What's new?

I stopped using this journal because I can't update on my phone and I'm super boring. :)
Basically, my life is kind of just me looking forward and not really doing anything in the meantime. What I mean is as of January first, I'll be back on my mom's insurance and I'll be going to have my first physical exam in eight years, plus I'm hoping to be prescribed some anti anxiety meds because right now, going out and talking to unfamiliar people makes me want to curl up in bed and hide. After I get some chemical courage, I need to go find a job because I've been unemployed for two years, since my first breakdown while I was working at Petsmart. Once I get a job I can start buying things for myself again, which will be nice, but mostly I want to start saving money so we can fix this house, sell it and move to the west coast. Plus, I will be able to contribute to our wedding! I can't ask Mike to pay for it all by himself. And when we get married and move to California or Oregon, we can start thinking about kids! Basically my whole future hinges on me getting a job, which makes it that much more terrifying.
ANYWAYS. I'm working hard on making Christmas presents for my loved ones and it SUCKS. It was a lot of fun at first, but after ten projects, I'm losing my enthusiasm and stress is mounting because I haven't really made anything for Mike yet. And I know knitting his scarf will take me a week, at the absolute least.
One reason I hit a road block was because I promised to knit my sister a Gryffindor scarf and myself a Ravenclaw one so we could wear them when we go see Harry Potter together. Knitting takes me forever, plus I have to knit it in a tube shape so it looks good on both sides.
Enough complaining! This is why I don't write.
I'm flying home on the 20th and I'm very excited about this. I'll be staying four weeks, which will be super hard because it will be the longest I've been apart from Mike since we first started living together. But being able to just relax and enjoy myself will be so wonderful. The last two visits home have been very busy and ultimately stressful because I was doing something every single day and I still didn't see all the people I wanted to see. This will also be my first Christmas home in three years. I'm pretty excited!

I got tagged!

1.) How did you get the career you have now, & why did you want it?
Not applicable. Ho hum. Actually, if I could live as a housewife guilt-free, life would be perfect! I could spend all my free time crafting and netflixing. :)

2.) What was the most awkward moment you've ever been through?
Well. My life has been a string of awkward moments, honestly. I thought about this question for a while, and I tried remembering something interesting, but I try to block bad memories because otherwise I dwell on them much more than is healthy. Yeah, I know.
I suppose recently, the most awkward situation I had was when my best friend ended our friendship. This is because in the last emails I sent to her, I said some pretty personal things, to help her feel like she wasn't the only one being vulnerable, I guess? I don't know. They were things I would have rather never told anyone, especially now that we don't talk. Ugh.

3.) What is your favorite movie, & why?
Amelie has been my favorite movie since I first saw it, nearly ten years ago. I originally wanted to see the next movie by the guy who did City of Lost Children, and it was totally not what I was expecting, whatsoever. I loved it, but in my naivete, I had no idea why. As I've gotten older and experienced life, it still makes me smile and cry like crazy. At separate points, except for the end, where you smile while tears run down your face. Always. Maybe it's because I see so much of myself in it. I've always been afraid of hurting myself, to the point of solitude. And I think I found my Nino Quincampoix. :3

4.) What is the one food or meal you could eat everyday?
Right now, basically I do eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day. I shake it up by trying new jellies (I detest jam) but I have yet to get tired of it, and I've been eating them at least three times a week since November, maybe?
But, if you want to get interesting, and calories DEFINITELY aren't a factor, I'd choose the pumpkin curry from Exotic Thai with vegetarian chicken. Oh man. Every time I eat it, it's like the first time. I always say I'm going to try something new, and I end up picking the pumpkin curry. Nothing sounds as good. I didn't know pumpkin chunks could belong anywhere but inside a pie at Thanksgiving.

5.) What is the murder weapon, who did it, & where?
If it were me, it'd be a pair of knitting needles in the sun room. That's how I roll.

6.) Favorite article of clothing, & why?
I hate to be boring, but I really think my favorite article would be a new pair of jeans. I spent about four months thinking I lost my round little butt when I lost a bunch of weight, because it was swimming in my size 18 jeans while I was too big for 16s. The day I could squeeze back into a 16, I felt so sexy. I couldn't stop looking at my butt in the mirror. I honestly thought I'd lost it and I was going to be one of those women with a flat back that ended at the top of my thighs, like my maternal grandma.

7.) If you don't have it now, what is/was your dream job?
I want a farm. I want to be able to work for myself and do something I love. I hate having to take orders, compromise my integrity (being nice to people as they're rude to you, ahem) and wearing fucking dress pants. I want to spend my time at home, with my family and feel like what I'm doing means something.
We've always talked about having an alpaca farm, and I really want that to be my future. I can do some dog boarding on the side and maybe grow small crops for the farmer's market. Who knows? I just want to be happy with what I do. Which is why I don't work. I don't want to be depressed because of my job anymore. Of course now I'm depressed because I'm poor and not contributing. Tangent!

8.) Favorite game to play as a child?
I always liked pretending we were puppies. Actually, my brother had some crazy anger issues from very young, and he used to hit me a lot, even though I was five years older. When he was really young, though, I realized I could deflect his anger by dropping on all fours and pretending to be a puppy. His anger would subside instantly and he'd smile and pet my head while barked. Man, this is funny written down.
I had a big imagination as a kid. I spent a lot of time pretending I had imaginary pet dragons and that my stuffed animals were real.
One more thing, in third grade, my best friend and I would pretend we were Simba and Nala wrestling during recess. I remember the yard duty being uncomfortable with us crawling around and pinning each other. It's funny looking back on it, now.

More on dieting

I'm not really sure what I need to do to continue losing weight. My last weigh in was a week after the one I previously wrote about. I was under my 1600 calorie limit every single day and I had barely lost any weight (only .2 of a lb) after a week.
I don't even want to weigh myself after Wednesday. I decided to use the special occasion card (our 4 year anniversary) and we went to Famous Dave's. The only meat I had really been craving before going vegetarian was ribs. So Mike suggested it and it sounded fun. I got some ribs and he got all you can eat chicken wings. Whenever I went there in the past, I would eat the sides and stuff first, so I take the good stuff home. So I ate my sides and a few ribs. I had one glass of water and wasn't feeling like I was going to burst, so I ordered a slice of pecan pie. Little did I know, one "slice" is actually a quarter of the pie. And Mike won't touch the stuff. So she brought out this pie, a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a ton of whipped cream. I ate a bit of the center and Mike helped me with the ice cream. Then, when she brought me a container, the waitress included ANOTHER cup of ice cream!
So yesterday, I had ribs for breakfast and pecan pie for lunch. Although I ate the pie at 11:45, I forced myself not to eat anything for the rest of the afternoon. Then I made Mike his dinner and he wanted to go out. So I ended up drinking a glass of chocolate milk while I made his dinner and didn't eat again until almost nine. I had a pb&j. So technically, I wasn't too much over my limit. Unlike Wednesday.
Exercising would be so much easier if I had friends. I spend every day alone with the dogs, basically waiting for Mike to get home from work. I really don't have any inspiration to shower and go outside. I hate walking the dogs together. Chester pulls and Chiquita wants to just meander slowly.
We live at the top of a hill, so bike riding is really annoying. I can't go anywhere interesting without worrying about going down a hill. This is due to the fact that when I was nine, I was riding my bike down a hill, misjudged a curb and landed on my face. I blacked out and had to go to the emergency room so they could push 3 of my front teeth back into place and stitch up my lip. I panic whenever I go down hills, now. Also I've been nearly hit crossing at effing crosswalks so many times I don't even want to go near main roads anymore. Why I own a bicycle, I have no idea. I suppose it was because it was super cute.
I'm just full of excuses. It's not like I want to lose weight for shallow reasons. I mean, yeah, I'd love to not feel like a giant monster when I see myself in pictures with my short, 125 lb boyfriend and I'd love to go to pool parties with his family and actually swim. But I don't want to get diabetes and I really want a safe pregnancy when we're ready. My mom has sleep apnea and was diagnosed with asthma last year. My paternal grandma has arthritis of the back (among many things) and even though she's only 74, she's given up and is ready to die. I have a feeling I have polycysistic ovarian syndrome and one of the main causes is obesity.
I don't know why exercise and eating raw fruits and veggies is so difficult for me. It's times like this when I miss having a best friend. I miss the support and the impulsive hangouts. If I had someone to exercise with me (Mike doesn't want to) every day, or even every other day, I would work hard because I'd have to. Right now, the only person I'm disappointing is myself, which I'm pretty used to by now.

Hungry and cranky

So I started counting calories again a week ago. I got really lazy about it and kind of went food crazy on our trip to Colorado. My mom stocked the hotel room with sweets! Don't hassle me, ok?! But once you get into that no-counting, sugar-craving mode, it is hard to lift yourself out. I had to kick myself to start counting again. The worst is when you go over and the little numbers that normally tell you how many calories you have left turn red, like you're a bad person.
So in the last week, I just counted every calorie. I don't try to cheat and tell the counter I ate less to keep under my allotted 1,600 a day, I just went for it. So what if I was 700 calories over last week? It's really not that bad. Plus, I lost 1.8 pounds since the 11th. So there, calorie counter.
Sugary treats are my definite weakness. After every meal, I want to eat something sweet. Every night, I want ice cream or cake, and I ALWAYS want chocolate. I can usually whine and eventually Mike will give in and take me somewhere, even though I asked him specifically to make sure we only have a treat on Fridays. That rule kept getting broken, but this week, I'm determined to stick to it, and it's Wednesday! Seriously, that's big for me.
See, growing up, my mom didn't let us have sugar. On top of that, we were really poor and didn't have a lot of food. So when we'd go to the grocery store and gorge ourselves on all the tasty, new stuff. Anything sweet was GONE. When mom started buying us soda and treats, they never lasted. I have tried so hard to get over it, to take my time and enjoy sweets, but it's a real problem for me.
When I got out of high school and lived with my dad, he gave me a credit card and I started binge eating. Thankfully, I can control the binging now, but I gained nearly fifty pounds within a couple years after high school.
I've been overweight since I was eight, but I remember being so self conscious of my body during middle and high school. Man, if I could go back to my weight, even in senior year, I'd be ecstatic! I'd feel like the sexiest girl alive.
Anyway, I'm trying to take baby steps back into weight loss. It's now been a year since I officially started losing weight, and due to "free periods" and setbacks, I have, as of today, only lost 28 pounds. Which isn't bad or anything, but I was almost at -35 before I fell off the wagon. Plus, I was at the 25 pounds lost mark on Christmas day.
But I have a few rules and tricks. The Lose it! app on my iphone has been amazing. I have an old abslide, which my dad gave me probably ten years ago, that I use every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night before bed (makes me sleepy). I bought a cute little salsa bowl from Target to use for cereal, since I can easily eat three or four servings of cereal. I have one of those little weekly pill thingies that I use to take my vitamins. I'm taking a daily women's multivitamin, Omega 3 tablets, apple cider vinegar tablets and folic acid (because I'm growing out my hair).
Anyway, I'm hungry and cranky because I am starting to make an effort to hold off on the calorie-rich snacks like potato chips and whatnot. I just made Mike his dinner, now I have to decide what I'm going to eat. I really wish he and I liked the same foods, but he's a meat/potatoes/bread person and I'm an anything and everything person. It can be hard to deal with.

Every time I start a personal entry

I feel like it's too personal and close the screen. Here is the abridged version:

I have baby fever again. This happens every few months. I start feeling jealous and resentful of everyone with their beautiful little babies. My cousin's girlfriend just had their first baby on the 4th. Three days later, his brother's girlfriend announced she's pregnant.

Mike is against kids before marriage, but has no plans on popping the question any time soon.

The whole situation is so stupid and frustrating.

Adventures at Walmart

While visiting, dad wanted to see what a Walmart in Iowa was like. Of course, the one in Davenport is probably the nicest one I've ever been to. He wanted to buy us a toaster oven, because I've always wanted one, but it wasn't so important that we NEEDED one. So we looked at the ones they had, and I decided on a B&D convection oven, which was on clearance for $34. It didn't look like the display one, but it was the last one and the price was right.

I brought it home and opened it, excited to convect something, but it was used and the little pull out tray was oxidized and rusty. I called them back, but it was the only one they had. So I called the Walmart in Moline. After giving the UPC, she said they had two on hand and three in the back.

So after dinner, we ventured to the Moline one. I gave the customer service girl my oven, explained what had happened and she told me to go grab another. There were no ovens available in the small appliance area. There were no employees around to ask for help. I walked up to the greeter at the front and asked her to page someone for me. She did, but nobody came. So we waited a little longer, then dad grabbed a guy from another department.

He was reluctant to help, because it wasn't his section, but he left for a while. Then he passed by and told us to wait a little longer. So we did. It was a while.

Then, I heard him one aisle away and someone was talking to him on his walkie talkie. I heard something about the only toaster oven they had being the one in the front. Then he walks up to me with a toaster oven in a box, RE-TAPED and asks me if this is the one I wanted. I asked him if he got that from the front and he said yes. I asked him if he had taped it shut. Yes. I said it was mine and I was going to exchange it. He looked pretty embarrassed. I asked if my receipt was still at customer service and he said probably. So I took my oven back up to the front.

I waited to be helped by the girl I explained it to in the beginning and told her what happened. She was busy and hadn't seen the guy take my oven, but she did still have my receipt. The customer next to me said she saw him take it, and so did another one of the cashiers. The latter thought he was bringing it back to me and didn't say anything. So I returned it and we went to Target.

About losing my friend

Since that day we "broke up" she and I have had a few more emails between us. I spent a lot of time trying to defend myself, but I guess the things I said didn't come out right and she kept getting upset with me. But she also made some really good points.

Yeah, it was good and freeing for me to tell her those things, but I didn't think about the effect it would have on her. I really hurt her. And I still feel awful about it. And things are past the fixing point, now. But it's ok. This is good for us. We're so incredibly different and we're changing more and more every day.

There were things about myself I was in denial about. All this time, I've felt like I was a great friend, but to be honest, I'm not. And I haven't been in a really long time.

I hate to come back to it, but it was hard for me to pour my whole heart into our friendship time and time again, only to have her leave without a second thought. I started withdrawing to protect myself. It's gotten to the point where now, I assume my coworkers don't want to be my friend and our relationships never grow past the fun and joking while working together stage. I don't want to knit or crochet presents for people because I don't think they'll truly appreciate the work I put into it.

I don't know. She still knows exactly who I am, even if I don't. But this friendship is over now and I'm not that sad about it anymore. I'm just sad I hurt her. I hope she's happy and she finds someone who can be there for her when she really needs it. I was planning on that being me when I moved back, but that isn't the case anymore.

I'm going vegetarian

For nearly a year, now, I've slowly been liking meat a little less.

It all started when I first moved here and was put in charge of cooking, because I hadn't found a job yet. Because it was cheap, we ate chicken thighs 3 or 4 times a week. As time went on, finding the giant arteries in the thighs really started to bother me. So I'd cut them out while I trimmed the fat and skin off my thighs. The times when I didn't were the worst. The arteries would fill up with black blood, explode and the surrounding meat would taste like blood. I stopped opting for thighs after that and we started buying breasts. Then the last time I tried a wing, I picked out a big, delicious one from the wings Mike prepared, sat down to eat. Then I flipped it over and saw a blood bubble nearly the size of a fucking dime on the back of the wing. I lost my appetite. After that day, I decided I didn't want to cook chicken for myself anymore. I still cook it for Mike, because it's his absolute favorite food in the world.

So after that, I still ate chicken at every restaurant I went to and when Mike's dad barbecues every weekend in the summer, but the taste of chicken started appealing to me less and less.

Then, at the beginning of this year, I was rinsing and separating wings for Mike's dinner and one of the little wings flapped. I thought about the living chicken that wing came from, and the videos I've seen of slaughterhouses and decided I didn't want to eat chicken anymore.

Admittedly, I'm really bad at this, though. We still go to chick fil a once or twice a month and I can't pass up Popeye's when we find one. But I opt for the marinated, thin chicken patties from CFA, where I mostly taste the bun and barbecue sauce, and while I do get a chicken wrap from Popeye's, I make my main meal popcorn shrimp. Mike's mom seems pretty upset about my not eating chicken, because I already don't eat beef, so she has no idea what to cook for us when we come over for dinner. I told her to invite us anyway, Mike can't get enough chicken and I don't want to limit family visiting time just because I don't want the meat dish. That leaves more calories to spare on extra garlic bread, anyway! ;)

I have a friend who had to go vegetarian because of health reasons, and she and I went to Exotic Thai, because I wanted an excuse to check out the Davenport one (not as good as the Moline one, even though it's the original) and they have a lot of tasty vegetarian options. I tried the veggie chicken in my pumpkin curry and was really surprised and pleased. She made me try a mushroom and the taste wasn't really that bad! The texture really bothered me, though.

I suppose my main reason for going vegetarian is because I don't eat enough fruits and veggies. Funny, right? So if I make my main food source fruits and veg, and not meat and carbs, maybe I'll start feeling more energetic.

Originally, I was planning on just doing it for the summer, to see if I like it. But I think I'll make it indefinitely. I'll technically be a flexetarian, anyway, because I'm still not going to pass up some Popeye's and I already miss bison burgers. It's actually going to increase our fast food options because since I started counting calories, I cut out most of the fast food places we used to eat at due to the caloric and sodium levels of their foods. But if I start getting salads without the added chicken, we can start going to burger king and hardees again. That is, if they offer salads.

Aside from bison and bacon, I don't think I'll miss meat. When I'm running low on protein, I crave peanuts.

I have two vegetarian cookbooks and one vegan one, I have the basic formula for what my daily intake of fruits, veggies, beans, carbs and dairy is like, I have an optimistic attitude and a supportive boyfriend. Now all I need is money to buy vegetables. Ugh.

I lost a friend yesterday

I had a sort of fight with my best friend, whom I'd been friends with for nearly 11 years. I haven't been talking to her lately because of certain reasons. Mostly, because I've been depressed and homesick for California, and talking to my loved ones makes me feel worse rather than better.

So she flickr mailed me asking if we were still friends. I responded with a long email about the reasons she had upset me. Things I've been holding in.

Our whole friendship has been like that. She upsets me and I never tell her about it. I haven't been harboring resentment, but I never did let these things go. I just bottled and ignored all my feelings. Things about how she would ditch me while she had boyfriends, even though she was my only friend at the time. She would change into someone I didn't like, ignore me and then come back once they would break up.

Once she met her husband, she changed into someone even better than the friend I'd had for the previous five years or so. She and I connected on a whole new level, and became the closest we'd ever been. She was my favorite person in the world. We did everything together and it was so awesome and fun. I did nothing but look forward, and all those bad memories were the absolute last thing on my mind. I don't think I thought about them once.

Then I moved to Illinois, and that was really hard on the both of us. Our friendship waned, she got pregnant and I started withdrawing from all my loved ones because of homesickness.

I would go out of my way to spend time with her when I'd visit, but as time went on, I started getting less fulfillment out of these visits. I think it's because of her daughter, which is completely understandable and I have no issues with that.

So the last time I visited home, in November, I spent a couple nights at her apartment in the very beginning of my visit. Things just didn't feel right. The whole time, I felt like we had grown apart without even realizing it. I think she felt it, too. Anyway, a week later, we were texting and she said she was in San Jose, and had been, at her dad's house. Which is a five minute drive from where I was staying with my mom. I was shocked, and a little hurt. And I kept hoping she'd suggest meeting for lunch or anything, but she didn't. Then I was really hurt. I started feeling resentful, and that's when all the old, bad memories surfaced. I wanted to talk to her about these things.

But of course, I didn't say anything, because I never have. I've never told her when she hurt me. Because there were a couple times when I did as a teenager, and she overreacted, took things out of context and those times really hurt our relationship. Until yesterday, I thought it was me misreading my memories or something. But she really can't take any sort of criticism about herself, which is funny, because she never told me the truth out of fear of hurting my feelings, too. So this whole time, we've been keeping things from each other in order to keep the other person happy.

In her last email, she said the whole friendship was fake, and at first I thought she was being overly dramatic, but it is kind of true. We spent a lot of energy making sure the other one wasn't hurt by our true feelings and opinions on things. It is a little ironic that when I finally do let out everything that has been kept inside, she decides she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Mostly because she couldn't get over the fact that I was talking about things that happened 7, 8, 10 years ago. But I needed to let those issues out. I never have. And there isn't anything wrong with that, because I told her, now that they're out, I'm happy. I feel better. It's over. Let's let it all go. But I don't think she understood that, because she ended the relationship.

She feels like she can never be honest with me again, because (I assume) of fear I'll just bottle the emotion and bring it out in another decade. But I thought I made it clear that from now on I want nothing but to be honest with her. I suppose I wasn't clear enough. Or maybe she's taking things the way she wants to. She has a habit of doing that. I saw a lot of that in my last email. She put a lot of words in my mouth and got angry about them, even though they aren't true at all.

I just want to make it clear, I don't feel like the victim in this situation. I think we've both been changing in the last few years and we have turned into completely different people. But of course, I'm sad. I feel like a small part of my body is missing, honestly. I felt so empty last night.

After I read her email, my heart was jumpy, I felt really weak and I couldn't stop shivering. I honestly do feel like a little bit of me died. Whether or not we've been close as possible in the last year has nothing to do with how important she really is to me. She's been such a huge part of my life for the past decade and I can't look at a single part of the house without being reminded of her. No one got me like she did. I could tell her absolutely anything, and she would understand. We liked the same weird, obscure, quirky things. I felt like I was almost as close to her as I was to Mike, just on a different level. I felt like she and I were as close as sisters.

I'm hoping that eventually, she'll understand my side of the story and we can be friends again. I don't think we'll ever be best friends again, but I don't want to lose her for good.

Yesterday we went to the Goodwill

Since becoming interested in dolls and dollhouses, Mike and I frequent Toys R Us, the toy sections at whichever store we're at, and local thrift shops for interesting toys. I'm always looking for cute stuff to put in my dollhouse, Mike's always looking for potential bad guys to put in the stop motion videos he always plans, but rarely makes. I do tend to egg him on and get him to buy action figures he only kind of wants.

Anyway, we went to the Goodwill yesterday, killing time before dinner at his parent's house. I had the impulse to check out the stuffed animals, which I rarely do, and found this guy!

What's amazing is I had the exact same gorilla when I was little! He was one of my favorites for a really long time. I got him when I was probably 8, and had him for a really long time. But, sadly, he was thrown away, with most of my stuffed animals and toys, when I would outgrow them and put them in the garage for storage. My stepdad is whatever the complete opposite of sentimental is. The worst part is he throws things away and then denies it. Ugh! It still pisses me off.

Anyway, I found a replacement! And not just that, he's in perfect condition, along with having all his accessories! Which my gorilla didn't have for a very long time. Haha.

I was so happy and excited when we were driving home. Mike is so sweet and understanding, he doesn't think I'm dumb or weird as I lovingly stare at a stuffed gorilla like it's the one I lost. Maybe I am weird. God knows I'm overly sentimental, that's for sure.

But here's the crazy part. Inside his diaper was a ripped up note! It took us about twenty minutes to piece it all back together, but we did. It was dramatic, too! Especially when I pieced together the part that says "have sex" because it's obvious the person writing it isn't older than 9 or 10. We both gasped. And honestly, considering how torn up it was, we didn't think the entire letter was there!

But I have a lot of unanswered questions. Who wrote the note? Who ripped it up? Was it the writer, or the person who received it? Did Summer have sex with Ricky? I hope not. When was this note written?

"Heidi is ok But Summer is a Bitch She wants to have sex with Rikey. She loves him so much she wans (to) kiss him.

P.S. I love Richie and Josh"

It's really hard not to take it personally when your friends are so much more important to you than you are to them.

Can you handle the lockdown?

One of our favorite shows is Ghost Adventures. Please, let me explain. ;)

I first started watching Most Haunted on the Travel Channel about 4 or 5 years ago. I had always enjoyed those ghost hunting shows, but lost the habit of watching them. Then, when I was visiting my mom a couple years ago, we watched Ghost Adventures. I thought it was ridiculous. This douchey guy taunting ghosts, his horrible voiceover skills, that hair.

Then I came home and forgot about it. Until it was one one night, when we were flipping channels. I told Mike he had to see this. So we watched it, laughed, enjoyed the freaky EVPs (or electronic voice phenomenons, as Zak has to explain EVERY SINGLE TIME) and actually had a good time. So the next Friday, we watched it again. Then we realized we actually liked the show, and set a series recording.

There have been some excellent happenings on that show. I was really excited when they went to an abandoned reformatory school in Ione, California because we drive through there on the way from San Jose to my grandma's house, and I've seen the roof of this place from a distance. The episode where they went to a haunted plantation in Louisiana actually made me scream. The slave houses were padlocked at night, with no electricity running to them, but one room had a light on, and while they were walking toward it, the light shut off. Then turned on again. And as they stood next to it, Zak said something like, "if you're in there, shut that light off," and it did. And I screamed.

Last night, we just watched Ghost Adventures: The Beginning, which is footage from their first lockdowns, back before they had a tv contract. Despite all cheesiness, there were some amazing parts of that show. Namely, a full body apparition recorded walking across a room, unmistakably a clear body, with visible legs. And the brick. Holy crap. They recorded a poltergeist picking up a brick and throwing it across a room. It was pretty amazing footage.

I'm not going to lie, the main reason we watch this show isn't for the ghost activity, which gets pretty boring after a while, it's for the crew. They are such douchebags. There isn't a better way to put it. They fist bump. Zak has the most ridiculous outfits. Nobody told him Jnco jeans went out of style over ten years ago. His hair is something else. One one episode he kept talking about how he wanted an incubus to come and do dirty things to him, only to explain in a later episode that he meant a succubus, NOT an incubus. Another time he decided to face his fear of snakes and pick up a fucking snake he found while they were shooting in the hills before a lockdown. And he was yelling, "ahh, why did I do this?"

The time we watched it when my dad was visiting, he likened it to Scooby Doo. It feels like that sometimes, because they're being so serious, but they don't always come off that way. It's not the highest quality show, by any means, but we have fun, and we look forward to new episodes.

Our two year anniversary!

So today marks the day I got Chester!

I still remember, getting up early to meet his owner at a gas station in Iowa, since she was driving through on her way to Peoria. We were early and I was sooo nervous. When she pulled up, I knew it was her, although I didn't know what she or her truck looked like. Then I saw Chester.

His name was Pugsley back then and he weighed 14 pounds. He was so tiny and cute! I couldn't stop laughing when I looked at his face. We transferred his stuff to our car, said our goodbyes and drove off.

I remember he had expressed his anal glands in all the excitement, because he smelled like the porcupines at the zoo on hot days. Mike had to get ready for work, so I hung around, trying to decide on a name. I decided to take him to get vaccinated, because local animal control has cheap vaccination days on Wednesdays. He got the full rounds since he'd never been vaccinated, aside from his puppy shots three years ago. It was the lady at the shelter who really named him, because at that point, I couldn't decide between Chester or Teddy. She liked Chester more, so that's what I wrote on the registration form.

Although I was told he was housebroken, he peed all over everything, when my back was turned. He was so excited, he didn't stop panting for THREE DAYS. I got him on a Wednesday, and decided to neuter him on the following Monday, because he was peeing everywhere.

I enrolled him in training classes around a month after I got him. That's when I started realizing how smart he is. He would catch on to the little tricks the trainer and I would try to get him to do things. I had the hardest time teaching him down. He just didn't get it. But of course he did it for the trainer right away.

He's put on a lot of weight since then, mostly because I felt like he was so tiny. But he has gotten a bit bigger than I'd like. It's his teeny little head. It looks so funny with the chubby body he has. We both need to get out and walk more.

Here is a video of him a couple weeks after I got him. I forgot how crazy he was! Now he's all fat and sleeps all day. Oops. Bad mom.

Adventures in unemployment

I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I eat one every single day, if I can. It all started around last December, when Mike and I both got really sick for two weeks and neither felt like going grocery shopping. So I'd eat one or two a day. I never really gave it up. I started experimenting with different peanut butters and jelly flavors. I should stress this, I HATE jam, but I love jelly. It's eating chunks of cooked fruit that bothers me. So I'd try a new peanut butter brand every time I needed a new can. I stuck with natural Skippy for a long time, until I learned about palm oil, so I switched to natural Smuckers, which had two ingredients, peanuts and salt. So we went to super target to see if they had a better selection, and they did. So I switched to the target knockoff, because it came in chunky. Mmm. And so I'll stay, for the time being. When I was a little kid, our local grocery store had a peanut grinder, where you could make your own peanut butter. If I could find something like that, it'd be perfect.

I've been running around all day. I ended up checking out the plus size consignment store I used to live by, since it has a new owner. I bought a doll, who I think is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Sadly, he came with nothing but ill-fitted tassel pants. No Beast mask. I sold a pair of cords I haven't worn in a couple years. I'm thinking about bringing all my unwanted stuff there, since the new owner sells actual items, the old one just sold clothes.

Yesterday I gave my rat away. I'm really sad about it. I just didn't think I was giving him enough attention to justify him living alone, and Mike wouldn't let me get a second rat. So I gave him to some friends I used to work with at Petsmart who already have four of their own. I let him sniff noses with one of the boys they have, and both seemed friendly and interested, so I'm optimistic that he'll fit right in, and eventually be able to move in with one of them.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and like the bad daughter I am, I sent her package today. Oops. I just never know what to give her, since she doesn't want or need anything, really. Well, anything cheap, I mean. She always asks for crocheted scarves, but it's getting to be summery soon and she has no real use for them. And I couldn't think of anything practical. Potholders are too impersonal, ponchos aren't her style, she wouldn't have any use for a tiny purse. So I knitted her an octopus from Hansi Singh's "Amigurumi Knits" in hopes that she can use it as a decorative piece on her desk at work or something.

When I crossed the street to the Post Office, I got yelled at by a turning driver for not waving to her to say I was crossing the street. Sheesh, if I'm at a crosswalk and the little walking man signal is lit, why should I wave to tell a person I'm crossing? In her disgust, she creeped up to ONE FOOT away from me as I was walking.

At first I was all angry and upset. Then I realized someone must have peed in her coffee and I had nothing to do with it. She was just venting on me. So I joked with the lady at the post office and left smiling. Then I came home and had some carrot cake.

Now Mike is grilling turkey burgers and "Beast" is going to get a hair treatment.

I love bats!

Ever since I was a very young kid, I've loved animals that most people are afraid of. Snakes, lizards, frogs, spiders, bats, bugs, you name it. When I was 6 or 7, I had a plastic bat from Halloween that I'd carry around and pretend was my pet.

My grandma lives in a wooded, mountainy area of California and has a bat house, but no one ever moved in, in all the years she's had it. Since we've been working hard on our yard, I brought up the idea of getting a bat house. We searched online for kits and such, but the cheapest houses were $15 PLUS 10 in shipping. So then we decided to check the Farm and Fleet website and found one! So we checked and our local store carries them! So off we went, and bought one.

Since then, Mike has become very interested in bats. It's so cute. He's researching them and really likes them now.

Bats really are amazing, though. One brown bat can eat several thousands of mosquitoes in one night. Can you imagine how overrun the world would be with pesky flying insects if it weren't for bats? When we were at Mike's parents, I was sitting out front with his dad and his neighbor. I told them about the bat house we had just bought, and his neighbor asked why on earth I would do that. Bats are so misunderstood. I think they're super cute and I understand how amazing they are.

I'm hoping we'll get some little guys moving in this summer, but I'm not holding my breath, because it can take up to three years for bats to become interested, that is, if they come at all. But we have a bird bath very close by, which always attracts mosquitoes, so hopefully, the bats will come, too.

I've got an itch

For cute boots. I wore fuggs all winter, time to get some new shoes. I need something that's appropriate for puddles, which absolutely none of my shoes are.

Except the crocs, but I wouldn't be caught dead wearing them in public. Actually....

I wear flip flops as soon as it's safe (as in my toes won't fall off) and I don't stop until it's unsafe again. I need some arch support, ok?

Self indulgence

I really want to start using an online diary. I have a Livejournal, but I never use it. I want to try something new. Let's do this!

My name is Brieana. I am 24 years old. I live in Illinois, but I grew up in California. I live with the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. Mike is the love of my life. He's 28. He's lived here his whole life. We met online six years ago. We talked online for a couple years before meeting in person, which we did in August of 2006. Then I moved here the following April. I brought my two cats (Noodles and Carmelita) with me. Mike had grown up with dogs and didn't really know anyone who had cats, so it was exiting and fun for him.

We bought our house two years ago, and since then, our little family has grown. He wanted to get a cat of his own, so as soon as we had unpacked, we drove down to the local no kill shelter and got Edgar. He was four and had lived in the shelter his whole life. He was adopted once, but returned. But Mike fell in love with the seemingly plain brown tabby who was terrified of being picked up. He was so happy that when we first got him, he would start purring if we just looked in his direction.

It had to be less than two weeks later when we adopted Chester. Oh, Chester. My sweet, amazing Pug. He's the best dog I've ever had. In our city, the legal limit on pets is four cats or dogs (or a combination therein) so we didn't plan on any more pets. But, of course, that October, a woman came into my work with a two month old kitten she couldn't keep. I worked at Petsmart and it was 8 pm. She'd had the kitten for a few days, but her son was allergic. None of her friends would take "Gizmo" and the shelter was closed, so she was going to put the kitten out on her patio all night if someone wouldn't take her. So of course, I had to. Once I held that tiny, black baby, I was hooked. Despite what I kept telling myself at that point. And that's how we got Penny. She is the funniest little thing. She's the cuddliest of all our cats, and will perpetually be the baby.

THEN my grandma in California called to tell me she didn't want to keep her Chihuahua, Chiquita anymore. She had Chiquita for 7 years, and I had always told her I would take her. I was so scared of Chiquita going to a shelter. Who wants a ten year old dog? Very few people. I just so happened to be going home for a visit the next month, so it probably was fate. I flew her home with me and she's never been happier. She and Chester are such a sweet pair. He looks out for her when they go to daycare and snuggle when it's cold.

I've been knitting for four years. I was terrible at first! It was so hard to teach myself. When I moved here, I started trying to crochet and that was SO hard! I gave it up for a while. Then one day, I tried and it just clicked for me! I dropped my needles and started making Amigurumis. I'm rather talented, but I have really low stamina, so I only make them as gifts ONCE in a while.

I started knitting again about six months ago, and now I LOVE it! All that time crocheting taught me some great habits that really brought my knitting up to a new level.

I was lucky to get an awesome old Singer sewing machine for free when Mike's great aunt passed away. I just learned to use it last fall, and I hope to make her proud as I make all kinds of things.

So far, I've made some skewed curtains for the kitchen and a Blythe dress. Sewing is like knitting for me, right now. I'm teaching myself, so it's hard to understand patterns and instructions.

I've become super obsessed with Blythe dolls since last September, when I got my Roaring Red. I was also blessed to find an AWESOME doll house at the Goodwill for $20! It's 4.5' tall and and three awful shades of purple. I can't wait to paint it, now that it's warm enough. But I'll save that for another entry.

This year I'm trying to go outside and be a normal person. We've been working on our yard for the last couple weeks. We've built a raised garden bed with cinder blocks, put in some flower beds and pulled down the hideous, ancient monstrosity that was the split rail fence around our property. It's really awesome and fun working outside, but I'm terrified of tanning unevenly and I hate wearing shoes, so being outside is a mixed affair for me. My neighbors must think I'm so weird, tilling the ground in bare feet.

I've been trying to lose weight for nearly a year, now. Last July, I was bigger than I've ever been. I developed some bad eating habits, living with Mr. Picky-eater-with-a-fast-metabolism. We'd eat out 3 or 4 times a week, and when I worked nights at Petsmart, I ate out every single day of the week. Most of the time it was Taco Bell. I'd get a grilled stuffed burrito at 9:15, eat it once I got home and go to bed around 10:30. Little did I know, said burrito is 680 calories. Plus I'd usually be eating a couple chicken soft tacos, also. I did this at least 3 times a week. Since I groomed dogs, I wore sweats to work every day. I rarely wore jeans, so I didn't catch on right away that they weren't fitting anymore.

Then I finally weighed myself. I was 255 pounds last July. That's when I started counting my calories. At first, I allowed myself to only eat 1,800 a day, but the counter I used reduced my alloted calories with every pound I lost. As time went on, I started making healthier choices to suit my caloric intake limits. I lost 20 pounds in four months, no exercise involved. At this point, I had a gym membership, but I never went, for various reasons (excuses). Then I went home for Thanksgiving, and after the second week, just ate whatever I want. I have tried, but it is SO hard to get back on that wagon. I hit 230 last Christmas, but I've hovered around there since. My lowest so far is 227, but since I just started counting again last Monday, I would eat whatever I wanted, whenever, and my weight would fluctuate.

Exercising on a regular basis is hard for me, and I do want to implement some kind of routine, but since I've been doing a lot of yard work lately, I've been lax on writing that schedule out. But I need to. My original goal is to lose 100 pounds, and that still stands. But we've been invited to a wedding in October, and I decided to lose 40 pounds by then. Technically 42 (or 45, depending on the day). I want to be 185 by then. I want to be able to buy a dress from a store, and wear a regular size, even if it's an extra large. I'll take it. I just want to buy my clothes in the normal sections. Lane Bryant is like a highway robbery, not to mention their clothes are so thin and cheap for those prices. As of the 9th, I was 229, which is fine with me. Fluctuations between a couple pounds don't bother me. It's 4 or 5 that do.

I've been slowly writing this entry for like two hours now. I think it's time to go to bed. I'm going to try to write in here and post a picture as often as possible. I'm really rusty on expressing myself on paper, and I think it's because I stopped writing self-indulgent journal entries after high school ended. Haha.