I lost a friend yesterday

I had a sort of fight with my best friend, whom I'd been friends with for nearly 11 years. I haven't been talking to her lately because of certain reasons. Mostly, because I've been depressed and homesick for California, and talking to my loved ones makes me feel worse rather than better.

So she flickr mailed me asking if we were still friends. I responded with a long email about the reasons she had upset me. Things I've been holding in.

Our whole friendship has been like that. She upsets me and I never tell her about it. I haven't been harboring resentment, but I never did let these things go. I just bottled and ignored all my feelings. Things about how she would ditch me while she had boyfriends, even though she was my only friend at the time. She would change into someone I didn't like, ignore me and then come back once they would break up.

Once she met her husband, she changed into someone even better than the friend I'd had for the previous five years or so. She and I connected on a whole new level, and became the closest we'd ever been. She was my favorite person in the world. We did everything together and it was so awesome and fun. I did nothing but look forward, and all those bad memories were the absolute last thing on my mind. I don't think I thought about them once.

Then I moved to Illinois, and that was really hard on the both of us. Our friendship waned, she got pregnant and I started withdrawing from all my loved ones because of homesickness.

I would go out of my way to spend time with her when I'd visit, but as time went on, I started getting less fulfillment out of these visits. I think it's because of her daughter, which is completely understandable and I have no issues with that.

So the last time I visited home, in November, I spent a couple nights at her apartment in the very beginning of my visit. Things just didn't feel right. The whole time, I felt like we had grown apart without even realizing it. I think she felt it, too. Anyway, a week later, we were texting and she said she was in San Jose, and had been, at her dad's house. Which is a five minute drive from where I was staying with my mom. I was shocked, and a little hurt. And I kept hoping she'd suggest meeting for lunch or anything, but she didn't. Then I was really hurt. I started feeling resentful, and that's when all the old, bad memories surfaced. I wanted to talk to her about these things.

But of course, I didn't say anything, because I never have. I've never told her when she hurt me. Because there were a couple times when I did as a teenager, and she overreacted, took things out of context and those times really hurt our relationship. Until yesterday, I thought it was me misreading my memories or something. But she really can't take any sort of criticism about herself, which is funny, because she never told me the truth out of fear of hurting my feelings, too. So this whole time, we've been keeping things from each other in order to keep the other person happy.

In her last email, she said the whole friendship was fake, and at first I thought she was being overly dramatic, but it is kind of true. We spent a lot of energy making sure the other one wasn't hurt by our true feelings and opinions on things. It is a little ironic that when I finally do let out everything that has been kept inside, she decides she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Mostly because she couldn't get over the fact that I was talking about things that happened 7, 8, 10 years ago. But I needed to let those issues out. I never have. And there isn't anything wrong with that, because I told her, now that they're out, I'm happy. I feel better. It's over. Let's let it all go. But I don't think she understood that, because she ended the relationship.

She feels like she can never be honest with me again, because (I assume) of fear I'll just bottle the emotion and bring it out in another decade. But I thought I made it clear that from now on I want nothing but to be honest with her. I suppose I wasn't clear enough. Or maybe she's taking things the way she wants to. She has a habit of doing that. I saw a lot of that in my last email. She put a lot of words in my mouth and got angry about them, even though they aren't true at all.

I just want to make it clear, I don't feel like the victim in this situation. I think we've both been changing in the last few years and we have turned into completely different people. But of course, I'm sad. I feel like a small part of my body is missing, honestly. I felt so empty last night.

After I read her email, my heart was jumpy, I felt really weak and I couldn't stop shivering. I honestly do feel like a little bit of me died. Whether or not we've been close as possible in the last year has nothing to do with how important she really is to me. She's been such a huge part of my life for the past decade and I can't look at a single part of the house without being reminded of her. No one got me like she did. I could tell her absolutely anything, and she would understand. We liked the same weird, obscure, quirky things. I felt like I was almost as close to her as I was to Mike, just on a different level. I felt like she and I were as close as sisters.

I'm hoping that eventually, she'll understand my side of the story and we can be friends again. I don't think we'll ever be best friends again, but I don't want to lose her for good.

Yesterday we went to the Goodwill

Since becoming interested in dolls and dollhouses, Mike and I frequent Toys R Us, the toy sections at whichever store we're at, and local thrift shops for interesting toys. I'm always looking for cute stuff to put in my dollhouse, Mike's always looking for potential bad guys to put in the stop motion videos he always plans, but rarely makes. I do tend to egg him on and get him to buy action figures he only kind of wants.

Anyway, we went to the Goodwill yesterday, killing time before dinner at his parent's house. I had the impulse to check out the stuffed animals, which I rarely do, and found this guy!

What's amazing is I had the exact same gorilla when I was little! He was one of my favorites for a really long time. I got him when I was probably 8, and had him for a really long time. But, sadly, he was thrown away, with most of my stuffed animals and toys, when I would outgrow them and put them in the garage for storage. My stepdad is whatever the complete opposite of sentimental is. The worst part is he throws things away and then denies it. Ugh! It still pisses me off.

Anyway, I found a replacement! And not just that, he's in perfect condition, along with having all his accessories! Which my gorilla didn't have for a very long time. Haha.

I was so happy and excited when we were driving home. Mike is so sweet and understanding, he doesn't think I'm dumb or weird as I lovingly stare at a stuffed gorilla like it's the one I lost. Maybe I am weird. God knows I'm overly sentimental, that's for sure.

But here's the crazy part. Inside his diaper was a ripped up note! It took us about twenty minutes to piece it all back together, but we did. It was dramatic, too! Especially when I pieced together the part that says "have sex" because it's obvious the person writing it isn't older than 9 or 10. We both gasped. And honestly, considering how torn up it was, we didn't think the entire letter was there!

But I have a lot of unanswered questions. Who wrote the note? Who ripped it up? Was it the writer, or the person who received it? Did Summer have sex with Ricky? I hope not. When was this note written?

"Heidi is ok But Summer is a Bitch She wants to have sex with Rikey. She loves him so much she wans (to) kiss him.

P.S. I love Richie and Josh"

It's really hard not to take it personally when your friends are so much more important to you than you are to them.

Can you handle the lockdown?

One of our favorite shows is Ghost Adventures. Please, let me explain. ;)

I first started watching Most Haunted on the Travel Channel about 4 or 5 years ago. I had always enjoyed those ghost hunting shows, but lost the habit of watching them. Then, when I was visiting my mom a couple years ago, we watched Ghost Adventures. I thought it was ridiculous. This douchey guy taunting ghosts, his horrible voiceover skills, that hair.

Then I came home and forgot about it. Until it was one one night, when we were flipping channels. I told Mike he had to see this. So we watched it, laughed, enjoyed the freaky EVPs (or electronic voice phenomenons, as Zak has to explain EVERY SINGLE TIME) and actually had a good time. So the next Friday, we watched it again. Then we realized we actually liked the show, and set a series recording.

There have been some excellent happenings on that show. I was really excited when they went to an abandoned reformatory school in Ione, California because we drive through there on the way from San Jose to my grandma's house, and I've seen the roof of this place from a distance. The episode where they went to a haunted plantation in Louisiana actually made me scream. The slave houses were padlocked at night, with no electricity running to them, but one room had a light on, and while they were walking toward it, the light shut off. Then turned on again. And as they stood next to it, Zak said something like, "if you're in there, shut that light off," and it did. And I screamed.

Last night, we just watched Ghost Adventures: The Beginning, which is footage from their first lockdowns, back before they had a tv contract. Despite all cheesiness, there were some amazing parts of that show. Namely, a full body apparition recorded walking across a room, unmistakably a clear body, with visible legs. And the brick. Holy crap. They recorded a poltergeist picking up a brick and throwing it across a room. It was pretty amazing footage.

I'm not going to lie, the main reason we watch this show isn't for the ghost activity, which gets pretty boring after a while, it's for the crew. They are such douchebags. There isn't a better way to put it. They fist bump. Zak has the most ridiculous outfits. Nobody told him Jnco jeans went out of style over ten years ago. His hair is something else. One one episode he kept talking about how he wanted an incubus to come and do dirty things to him, only to explain in a later episode that he meant a succubus, NOT an incubus. Another time he decided to face his fear of snakes and pick up a fucking snake he found while they were shooting in the hills before a lockdown. And he was yelling, "ahh, why did I do this?"

The time we watched it when my dad was visiting, he likened it to Scooby Doo. It feels like that sometimes, because they're being so serious, but they don't always come off that way. It's not the highest quality show, by any means, but we have fun, and we look forward to new episodes.

Our two year anniversary!

So today marks the day I got Chester!

I still remember, getting up early to meet his owner at a gas station in Iowa, since she was driving through on her way to Peoria. We were early and I was sooo nervous. When she pulled up, I knew it was her, although I didn't know what she or her truck looked like. Then I saw Chester.

His name was Pugsley back then and he weighed 14 pounds. He was so tiny and cute! I couldn't stop laughing when I looked at his face. We transferred his stuff to our car, said our goodbyes and drove off.

I remember he had expressed his anal glands in all the excitement, because he smelled like the porcupines at the zoo on hot days. Mike had to get ready for work, so I hung around, trying to decide on a name. I decided to take him to get vaccinated, because local animal control has cheap vaccination days on Wednesdays. He got the full rounds since he'd never been vaccinated, aside from his puppy shots three years ago. It was the lady at the shelter who really named him, because at that point, I couldn't decide between Chester or Teddy. She liked Chester more, so that's what I wrote on the registration form.

Although I was told he was housebroken, he peed all over everything, when my back was turned. He was so excited, he didn't stop panting for THREE DAYS. I got him on a Wednesday, and decided to neuter him on the following Monday, because he was peeing everywhere.

I enrolled him in training classes around a month after I got him. That's when I started realizing how smart he is. He would catch on to the little tricks the trainer and I would try to get him to do things. I had the hardest time teaching him down. He just didn't get it. But of course he did it for the trainer right away.

He's put on a lot of weight since then, mostly because I felt like he was so tiny. But he has gotten a bit bigger than I'd like. It's his teeny little head. It looks so funny with the chubby body he has. We both need to get out and walk more.

Here is a video of him a couple weeks after I got him. I forgot how crazy he was! Now he's all fat and sleeps all day. Oops. Bad mom.

Adventures in unemployment

I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I eat one every single day, if I can. It all started around last December, when Mike and I both got really sick for two weeks and neither felt like going grocery shopping. So I'd eat one or two a day. I never really gave it up. I started experimenting with different peanut butters and jelly flavors. I should stress this, I HATE jam, but I love jelly. It's eating chunks of cooked fruit that bothers me. So I'd try a new peanut butter brand every time I needed a new can. I stuck with natural Skippy for a long time, until I learned about palm oil, so I switched to natural Smuckers, which had two ingredients, peanuts and salt. So we went to super target to see if they had a better selection, and they did. So I switched to the target knockoff, because it came in chunky. Mmm. And so I'll stay, for the time being. When I was a little kid, our local grocery store had a peanut grinder, where you could make your own peanut butter. If I could find something like that, it'd be perfect.

I've been running around all day. I ended up checking out the plus size consignment store I used to live by, since it has a new owner. I bought a doll, who I think is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Sadly, he came with nothing but ill-fitted tassel pants. No Beast mask. I sold a pair of cords I haven't worn in a couple years. I'm thinking about bringing all my unwanted stuff there, since the new owner sells actual items, the old one just sold clothes.

Yesterday I gave my rat away. I'm really sad about it. I just didn't think I was giving him enough attention to justify him living alone, and Mike wouldn't let me get a second rat. So I gave him to some friends I used to work with at Petsmart who already have four of their own. I let him sniff noses with one of the boys they have, and both seemed friendly and interested, so I'm optimistic that he'll fit right in, and eventually be able to move in with one of them.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and like the bad daughter I am, I sent her package today. Oops. I just never know what to give her, since she doesn't want or need anything, really. Well, anything cheap, I mean. She always asks for crocheted scarves, but it's getting to be summery soon and she has no real use for them. And I couldn't think of anything practical. Potholders are too impersonal, ponchos aren't her style, she wouldn't have any use for a tiny purse. So I knitted her an octopus from Hansi Singh's "Amigurumi Knits" in hopes that she can use it as a decorative piece on her desk at work or something.

When I crossed the street to the Post Office, I got yelled at by a turning driver for not waving to her to say I was crossing the street. Sheesh, if I'm at a crosswalk and the little walking man signal is lit, why should I wave to tell a person I'm crossing? In her disgust, she creeped up to ONE FOOT away from me as I was walking.

At first I was all angry and upset. Then I realized someone must have peed in her coffee and I had nothing to do with it. She was just venting on me. So I joked with the lady at the post office and left smiling. Then I came home and had some carrot cake.

Now Mike is grilling turkey burgers and "Beast" is going to get a hair treatment.

I love bats!

Ever since I was a very young kid, I've loved animals that most people are afraid of. Snakes, lizards, frogs, spiders, bats, bugs, you name it. When I was 6 or 7, I had a plastic bat from Halloween that I'd carry around and pretend was my pet.

My grandma lives in a wooded, mountainy area of California and has a bat house, but no one ever moved in, in all the years she's had it. Since we've been working hard on our yard, I brought up the idea of getting a bat house. We searched online for kits and such, but the cheapest houses were $15 PLUS 10 in shipping. So then we decided to check the Farm and Fleet website and found one! So we checked and our local store carries them! So off we went, and bought one.

Since then, Mike has become very interested in bats. It's so cute. He's researching them and really likes them now.

Bats really are amazing, though. One brown bat can eat several thousands of mosquitoes in one night. Can you imagine how overrun the world would be with pesky flying insects if it weren't for bats? When we were at Mike's parents, I was sitting out front with his dad and his neighbor. I told them about the bat house we had just bought, and his neighbor asked why on earth I would do that. Bats are so misunderstood. I think they're super cute and I understand how amazing they are.

I'm hoping we'll get some little guys moving in this summer, but I'm not holding my breath, because it can take up to three years for bats to become interested, that is, if they come at all. But we have a bird bath very close by, which always attracts mosquitoes, so hopefully, the bats will come, too.