About losing my friend

Since that day we "broke up" she and I have had a few more emails between us. I spent a lot of time trying to defend myself, but I guess the things I said didn't come out right and she kept getting upset with me. But she also made some really good points.

Yeah, it was good and freeing for me to tell her those things, but I didn't think about the effect it would have on her. I really hurt her. And I still feel awful about it. And things are past the fixing point, now. But it's ok. This is good for us. We're so incredibly different and we're changing more and more every day.

There were things about myself I was in denial about. All this time, I've felt like I was a great friend, but to be honest, I'm not. And I haven't been in a really long time.

I hate to come back to it, but it was hard for me to pour my whole heart into our friendship time and time again, only to have her leave without a second thought. I started withdrawing to protect myself. It's gotten to the point where now, I assume my coworkers don't want to be my friend and our relationships never grow past the fun and joking while working together stage. I don't want to knit or crochet presents for people because I don't think they'll truly appreciate the work I put into it.

I don't know. She still knows exactly who I am, even if I don't. But this friendship is over now and I'm not that sad about it anymore. I'm just sad I hurt her. I hope she's happy and she finds someone who can be there for her when she really needs it. I was planning on that being me when I moved back, but that isn't the case anymore.