Back on the wagon

I miss complaining about my life! Just kidding. I've been getting the itch to write again. 

BUT I just spent half an hour reading my old blog entries so I'm going to bed now. 

What's new?

I stopped using this journal because I can't update on my phone and I'm super boring. :)
Basically, my life is kind of just me looking forward and not really doing anything in the meantime. What I mean is as of January first, I'll be back on my mom's insurance and I'll be going to have my first physical exam in eight years, plus I'm hoping to be prescribed some anti anxiety meds because right now, going out and talking to unfamiliar people makes me want to curl up in bed and hide. After I get some chemical courage, I need to go find a job because I've been unemployed for two years, since my first breakdown while I was working at Petsmart. Once I get a job I can start buying things for myself again, which will be nice, but mostly I want to start saving money so we can fix this house, sell it and move to the west coast. Plus, I will be able to contribute to our wedding! I can't ask Mike to pay for it all by himself. And when we get married and move to California or Oregon, we can start thinking about kids! Basically my whole future hinges on me getting a job, which makes it that much more terrifying.
ANYWAYS. I'm working hard on making Christmas presents for my loved ones and it SUCKS. It was a lot of fun at first, but after ten projects, I'm losing my enthusiasm and stress is mounting because I haven't really made anything for Mike yet. And I know knitting his scarf will take me a week, at the absolute least.
One reason I hit a road block was because I promised to knit my sister a Gryffindor scarf and myself a Ravenclaw one so we could wear them when we go see Harry Potter together. Knitting takes me forever, plus I have to knit it in a tube shape so it looks good on both sides.
Enough complaining! This is why I don't write.
I'm flying home on the 20th and I'm very excited about this. I'll be staying four weeks, which will be super hard because it will be the longest I've been apart from Mike since we first started living together. But being able to just relax and enjoy myself will be so wonderful. The last two visits home have been very busy and ultimately stressful because I was doing something every single day and I still didn't see all the people I wanted to see. This will also be my first Christmas home in three years. I'm pretty excited!

I got tagged!

1.) How did you get the career you have now, & why did you want it?
Not applicable. Ho hum. Actually, if I could live as a housewife guilt-free, life would be perfect! I could spend all my free time crafting and netflixing. :)

2.) What was the most awkward moment you've ever been through?
Well. My life has been a string of awkward moments, honestly. I thought about this question for a while, and I tried remembering something interesting, but I try to block bad memories because otherwise I dwell on them much more than is healthy. Yeah, I know.
I suppose recently, the most awkward situation I had was when my best friend ended our friendship. This is because in the last emails I sent to her, I said some pretty personal things, to help her feel like she wasn't the only one being vulnerable, I guess? I don't know. They were things I would have rather never told anyone, especially now that we don't talk. Ugh.

3.) What is your favorite movie, & why?
Amelie has been my favorite movie since I first saw it, nearly ten years ago. I originally wanted to see the next movie by the guy who did City of Lost Children, and it was totally not what I was expecting, whatsoever. I loved it, but in my naivete, I had no idea why. As I've gotten older and experienced life, it still makes me smile and cry like crazy. At separate points, except for the end, where you smile while tears run down your face. Always. Maybe it's because I see so much of myself in it. I've always been afraid of hurting myself, to the point of solitude. And I think I found my Nino Quincampoix. :3

4.) What is the one food or meal you could eat everyday?
Right now, basically I do eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day. I shake it up by trying new jellies (I detest jam) but I have yet to get tired of it, and I've been eating them at least three times a week since November, maybe?
But, if you want to get interesting, and calories DEFINITELY aren't a factor, I'd choose the pumpkin curry from Exotic Thai with vegetarian chicken. Oh man. Every time I eat it, it's like the first time. I always say I'm going to try something new, and I end up picking the pumpkin curry. Nothing sounds as good. I didn't know pumpkin chunks could belong anywhere but inside a pie at Thanksgiving.

5.) What is the murder weapon, who did it, & where?
If it were me, it'd be a pair of knitting needles in the sun room. That's how I roll.

6.) Favorite article of clothing, & why?
I hate to be boring, but I really think my favorite article would be a new pair of jeans. I spent about four months thinking I lost my round little butt when I lost a bunch of weight, because it was swimming in my size 18 jeans while I was too big for 16s. The day I could squeeze back into a 16, I felt so sexy. I couldn't stop looking at my butt in the mirror. I honestly thought I'd lost it and I was going to be one of those women with a flat back that ended at the top of my thighs, like my maternal grandma.

7.) If you don't have it now, what is/was your dream job?
I want a farm. I want to be able to work for myself and do something I love. I hate having to take orders, compromise my integrity (being nice to people as they're rude to you, ahem) and wearing fucking dress pants. I want to spend my time at home, with my family and feel like what I'm doing means something.
We've always talked about having an alpaca farm, and I really want that to be my future. I can do some dog boarding on the side and maybe grow small crops for the farmer's market. Who knows? I just want to be happy with what I do. Which is why I don't work. I don't want to be depressed because of my job anymore. Of course now I'm depressed because I'm poor and not contributing. Tangent!

8.) Favorite game to play as a child?
I always liked pretending we were puppies. Actually, my brother had some crazy anger issues from very young, and he used to hit me a lot, even though I was five years older. When he was really young, though, I realized I could deflect his anger by dropping on all fours and pretending to be a puppy. His anger would subside instantly and he'd smile and pet my head while barked. Man, this is funny written down.
I had a big imagination as a kid. I spent a lot of time pretending I had imaginary pet dragons and that my stuffed animals were real.
One more thing, in third grade, my best friend and I would pretend we were Simba and Nala wrestling during recess. I remember the yard duty being uncomfortable with us crawling around and pinning each other. It's funny looking back on it, now.

More on dieting

I'm not really sure what I need to do to continue losing weight. My last weigh in was a week after the one I previously wrote about. I was under my 1600 calorie limit every single day and I had barely lost any weight (only .2 of a lb) after a week.
I don't even want to weigh myself after Wednesday. I decided to use the special occasion card (our 4 year anniversary) and we went to Famous Dave's. The only meat I had really been craving before going vegetarian was ribs. So Mike suggested it and it sounded fun. I got some ribs and he got all you can eat chicken wings. Whenever I went there in the past, I would eat the sides and stuff first, so I take the good stuff home. So I ate my sides and a few ribs. I had one glass of water and wasn't feeling like I was going to burst, so I ordered a slice of pecan pie. Little did I know, one "slice" is actually a quarter of the pie. And Mike won't touch the stuff. So she brought out this pie, a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a ton of whipped cream. I ate a bit of the center and Mike helped me with the ice cream. Then, when she brought me a container, the waitress included ANOTHER cup of ice cream!
So yesterday, I had ribs for breakfast and pecan pie for lunch. Although I ate the pie at 11:45, I forced myself not to eat anything for the rest of the afternoon. Then I made Mike his dinner and he wanted to go out. So I ended up drinking a glass of chocolate milk while I made his dinner and didn't eat again until almost nine. I had a pb&j. So technically, I wasn't too much over my limit. Unlike Wednesday.
Exercising would be so much easier if I had friends. I spend every day alone with the dogs, basically waiting for Mike to get home from work. I really don't have any inspiration to shower and go outside. I hate walking the dogs together. Chester pulls and Chiquita wants to just meander slowly.
We live at the top of a hill, so bike riding is really annoying. I can't go anywhere interesting without worrying about going down a hill. This is due to the fact that when I was nine, I was riding my bike down a hill, misjudged a curb and landed on my face. I blacked out and had to go to the emergency room so they could push 3 of my front teeth back into place and stitch up my lip. I panic whenever I go down hills, now. Also I've been nearly hit crossing at effing crosswalks so many times I don't even want to go near main roads anymore. Why I own a bicycle, I have no idea. I suppose it was because it was super cute.
I'm just full of excuses. It's not like I want to lose weight for shallow reasons. I mean, yeah, I'd love to not feel like a giant monster when I see myself in pictures with my short, 125 lb boyfriend and I'd love to go to pool parties with his family and actually swim. But I don't want to get diabetes and I really want a safe pregnancy when we're ready. My mom has sleep apnea and was diagnosed with asthma last year. My paternal grandma has arthritis of the back (among many things) and even though she's only 74, she's given up and is ready to die. I have a feeling I have polycysistic ovarian syndrome and one of the main causes is obesity.
I don't know why exercise and eating raw fruits and veggies is so difficult for me. It's times like this when I miss having a best friend. I miss the support and the impulsive hangouts. If I had someone to exercise with me (Mike doesn't want to) every day, or even every other day, I would work hard because I'd have to. Right now, the only person I'm disappointing is myself, which I'm pretty used to by now.

Hungry and cranky

So I started counting calories again a week ago. I got really lazy about it and kind of went food crazy on our trip to Colorado. My mom stocked the hotel room with sweets! Don't hassle me, ok?! But once you get into that no-counting, sugar-craving mode, it is hard to lift yourself out. I had to kick myself to start counting again. The worst is when you go over and the little numbers that normally tell you how many calories you have left turn red, like you're a bad person.
So in the last week, I just counted every calorie. I don't try to cheat and tell the counter I ate less to keep under my allotted 1,600 a day, I just went for it. So what if I was 700 calories over last week? It's really not that bad. Plus, I lost 1.8 pounds since the 11th. So there, calorie counter.
Sugary treats are my definite weakness. After every meal, I want to eat something sweet. Every night, I want ice cream or cake, and I ALWAYS want chocolate. I can usually whine and eventually Mike will give in and take me somewhere, even though I asked him specifically to make sure we only have a treat on Fridays. That rule kept getting broken, but this week, I'm determined to stick to it, and it's Wednesday! Seriously, that's big for me.
See, growing up, my mom didn't let us have sugar. On top of that, we were really poor and didn't have a lot of food. So when we'd go to the grocery store and gorge ourselves on all the tasty, new stuff. Anything sweet was GONE. When mom started buying us soda and treats, they never lasted. I have tried so hard to get over it, to take my time and enjoy sweets, but it's a real problem for me.
When I got out of high school and lived with my dad, he gave me a credit card and I started binge eating. Thankfully, I can control the binging now, but I gained nearly fifty pounds within a couple years after high school.
I've been overweight since I was eight, but I remember being so self conscious of my body during middle and high school. Man, if I could go back to my weight, even in senior year, I'd be ecstatic! I'd feel like the sexiest girl alive.
Anyway, I'm trying to take baby steps back into weight loss. It's now been a year since I officially started losing weight, and due to "free periods" and setbacks, I have, as of today, only lost 28 pounds. Which isn't bad or anything, but I was almost at -35 before I fell off the wagon. Plus, I was at the 25 pounds lost mark on Christmas day.
But I have a few rules and tricks. The Lose it! app on my iphone has been amazing. I have an old abslide, which my dad gave me probably ten years ago, that I use every Monday, Wednesday and Friday night before bed (makes me sleepy). I bought a cute little salsa bowl from Target to use for cereal, since I can easily eat three or four servings of cereal. I have one of those little weekly pill thingies that I use to take my vitamins. I'm taking a daily women's multivitamin, Omega 3 tablets, apple cider vinegar tablets and folic acid (because I'm growing out my hair).
Anyway, I'm hungry and cranky because I am starting to make an effort to hold off on the calorie-rich snacks like potato chips and whatnot. I just made Mike his dinner, now I have to decide what I'm going to eat. I really wish he and I liked the same foods, but he's a meat/potatoes/bread person and I'm an anything and everything person. It can be hard to deal with.

Every time I start a personal entry

I feel like it's too personal and close the screen. Here is the abridged version:

I have baby fever again. This happens every few months. I start feeling jealous and resentful of everyone with their beautiful little babies. My cousin's girlfriend just had their first baby on the 4th. Three days later, his brother's girlfriend announced she's pregnant.

Mike is against kids before marriage, but has no plans on popping the question any time soon.

The whole situation is so stupid and frustrating.

Adventures at Walmart

While visiting, dad wanted to see what a Walmart in Iowa was like. Of course, the one in Davenport is probably the nicest one I've ever been to. He wanted to buy us a toaster oven, because I've always wanted one, but it wasn't so important that we NEEDED one. So we looked at the ones they had, and I decided on a B&D convection oven, which was on clearance for $34. It didn't look like the display one, but it was the last one and the price was right.

I brought it home and opened it, excited to convect something, but it was used and the little pull out tray was oxidized and rusty. I called them back, but it was the only one they had. So I called the Walmart in Moline. After giving the UPC, she said they had two on hand and three in the back.

So after dinner, we ventured to the Moline one. I gave the customer service girl my oven, explained what had happened and she told me to go grab another. There were no ovens available in the small appliance area. There were no employees around to ask for help. I walked up to the greeter at the front and asked her to page someone for me. She did, but nobody came. So we waited a little longer, then dad grabbed a guy from another department.

He was reluctant to help, because it wasn't his section, but he left for a while. Then he passed by and told us to wait a little longer. So we did. It was a while.

Then, I heard him one aisle away and someone was talking to him on his walkie talkie. I heard something about the only toaster oven they had being the one in the front. Then he walks up to me with a toaster oven in a box, RE-TAPED and asks me if this is the one I wanted. I asked him if he got that from the front and he said yes. I asked him if he had taped it shut. Yes. I said it was mine and I was going to exchange it. He looked pretty embarrassed. I asked if my receipt was still at customer service and he said probably. So I took my oven back up to the front.

I waited to be helped by the girl I explained it to in the beginning and told her what happened. She was busy and hadn't seen the guy take my oven, but she did still have my receipt. The customer next to me said she saw him take it, and so did another one of the cashiers. The latter thought he was bringing it back to me and didn't say anything. So I returned it and we went to Target.